Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
