peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
