Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
