So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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