I wish my penis had an off switch
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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