My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
