After last night, I could never be a politician.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm at about main and main street
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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