I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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