The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
