Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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