I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
