just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I did not marry a roomba.
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