I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
