Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
