i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Still dying that you shit outside
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
