In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
