I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
handjob tips. give me some.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize