So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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