well I can't set my house on fire every night
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
