apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
