Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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