Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
