He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
