ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
