I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
