Will you blow on my dice?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm passing your future prison.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
