I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
