I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
