Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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