happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
