i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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