I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
