did you get engaged???
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Found the puke drawer
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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