VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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