video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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