to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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