My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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