I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
