Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
