i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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