Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
