I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize