I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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