so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
