when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
