So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
it's great music for shaving your balls
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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