i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
