yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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