Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
