I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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