i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
