you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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