Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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