It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
