Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
