it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
