so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
