I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Too much gin, very little bucket
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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