One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
