If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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